BEST OF JODY’S BOX: THE TRUE TEST OF MOTOCHISMO

By Jody Weisel

Face it, motocross is a status sport. I don’t mean that it has a lot of status : I mean that it is a sport where everybody ranks, rates and judges everyone else by the bikes they ride, clothes they wear and who paints their helmets. Motocrossers are very insecure, and while speed should be the ultimate tie-breaker in a status check, it rarely is.

We are obsessed with one-upmanship. So, to that end, I present the ultimate test of moto coolness. It’s not based on paint, fabric or plastic. It doesn’t require an earring, gold chain or bleached hair. All it takes is true-to-life moto experience.

The following 20 questions will reveal to you, and you alone, whether you have true status in the moto world.

1. Have you ever had the zipper on your leathers so clogged up with mud that you had to wear them home (only to have to resort to having your wife to pull the zipper with a pair of pliers, ripping the zipper out of the pants)?

2. Have you ever wondered why you ride your fastest after getting up from a first-turn crash and your slowest after getting the holeshot?

3. Have you ever gone to a restaurant after a race and felt that you were really connecting with the waitress. She can’t stop looking at you. Only later, when you get in your truck and look in the mirror, do you notice that you have little balls of mud dangling from your hair.

4. Have you ever hooked a tie-down from the side of your pickup to your bike’s handlebars after forgetting your bike stand?

5. Have you ever saved an oddball part in your toolbox for eight years only to forget what year of bike it fits on, what kind of bike it’s for or what it even is?

6. Have you ever reached up to pull a tear-off off only to pull all four of them at the same time? Have you ever had all four of them stick to your finger so that you have to ride the rest of the moto with tear-offs flapping from your clutch hand?

7. Have you ever worn gloves that the fingers were too long, only to have the fingertips of the glove catch under your palm so that you couldn’t turn the throttle off? Have you ever ridden barehanded in the second moto?

8. Have you ever waited three days before going to the doctor with a broken bone? Have you ever waited two months?

9. Have you ever read the pit board of the guy behind you?

10. Have you ever looked over your left shoulder to see where the guy behind you is, only to have him pass you on the right?

11. Have you ever claimed to have jumped a double that you really didn’t jump, only to find out that your buddy shot a video of your race?

12. Have you ever gotten home so late from a race that you decided to clean your bike the next day? When you went out in the morning to hose off your bike, 27 pounds of dried mud fell off on the garage floor the moment you touched it, and you spent the next hour cleaning up the garage.

13. Have you ever noticed that your friends’ stories about a lifetime of victories aren’t logically followed by a spare room full of trophies?

14. Have you ever brought a new girlfriend out to watch you race on a day when you stink so bad you finish 23rd? The next weekend, when she’s not there, you win.

15. Have you ever told everybody in the pits that you think the dogs on third gear are worn out only moments before they notice that you don’t have any teeth on your countershaft sprocket?

16. Have you ever said “Maico-Breako,” “Ker-Clunk” or “Seize-Easy” when referring to Maico, Curnutt or CZ. Do you even know what those things are?

17. Have you ever had a scoring error in your favor? If so, did you go to the scoring tower and report yourself?

18. Have you ever failed to pass a guy because he was dragging 40 feet of banner behind his bike and you were afraid to make a move because you might get the banner wrapped around your rear wheel, only to come in and find that you had banner already wrapped around your rear wheel?

19. Have you ever said “dampening” only to have eight guys correct you by reciting “damping” in unison?

20. Have you ever tried to run over a friend who was writing funny things on your pit board?

Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “yes” answer, then tally your score. If you are a real racer, you will score a perfect 20 (no matter how many questions you actually said “yes” to).