BEST OF JODY’S BOX: THE BEST ANSWER TO EVERY QUESTION IS THE LOGICAL ONE

By Jody Weisel

“This is a man’s track,” said Jimmy Mac last week when I pulled into the pits.
“I take that with a grain of salt when the guy telling me that is wearing earrings and a necklace,” I replied.

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“I held Jeremy McGrath off for two laps last week at Glen Helen,” said Crazy Dave.
“Then what happened?” I asked.
“Then, I held him off for another two laps before he lapped me again.”

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“Did you jump the big double on the back straight?” asked Fred Phalange after practice.
“Jump them? They are in different area codes,” I said.

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“I’ve won races at this track on a Honda, Yamaha, Kawasaki, Suzuki and KTM,” I told Stumpy at sign-up.
“That’s cool Is that some kind of record?” he asked.
“It is when you factor in the fact that I’ve lost races at this track on a Honda, Yamaha, Kawasaki, Suzuki, KTM and a few brands that aren’t in business anymore.”

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“You’re slow,” said a guy in the pits after last week’s race.
“That’s true, but my lap times don’t fall off late in the moto.”

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“Are you clearing that big tabletop?” asked Fred Phalange after practice.
“I’m doing something a lot better. I’m landing on top of it and shifting twice before I jump off,” I said.

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“This track separates the men from the boys,” said Jimmy Mac last week in the pits after our first moto.
“Not only that, but it separates the elastic from my BVDs,” I replied.

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“I just found the 12mm wrench I lost last week.” I said. “It was inside my airbox.”
“You should be happy,” said Monte.
“I would be, but I had to buy a new 12mm wrench to find it in there.”

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“I thought that you’d be a lot faster than you were in your first moto,” said a guy in the pits after last week’s race.
“Thank you for clearing that up for me,” I said. “I was under the illusion that finishing 13th meant that I was fast.”

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“You look a lot taller in the magazine than you do in person,” said a guy standing next to me at the concession stand.
“Not true,” I said. “I’m never taller than 11 inches in the magazine.”

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“Don’t you think that a fourth-gear, wide-open double is too dangerous?” asked Fred Phalange after practice.
“Not the way I do it,” I said.

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“You only get out of this sport what you put into it,” said Jimmy Mac after the first moto.
“I hope so,” I said, “because as far as I can tell I’ve put about $9000 into it so far this season.”

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“Jody,” said Jeremy McGrath, ”I didn’t see you at the Nationals much this year. How come?”
“If I have a choice of standing around all day to watch you race or get to race myself. I’d rather race,” I said.

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“Jody,” said Mike Alessi, “I didn’t see you at the Nationals much this year. How come?”
“That’s strange because I didn’t see you at the 340 AMA Nationals I went to between 1971 and 2004 either,” I said.

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“Forget it, Fred,” I said. “I appreciate your helping me, but I’ll never get this bike apart in time to fix it for the second moto.”
“Apart?” said Fred.

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“I may have ridden a little wild,” said Jimmy Mac between motos, “but at least I kept it on two wheels.”
“How many wheels did you start with?” I asked.

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“Hey Jody, did you see my new tattoo?” said Jimmy Floyd as he lifted his jersey to show me that he had his name tattooed across his back.
“That’s great,” I said. “Now, when the ambulance guys roll you over they don’t have to asked who you are.”

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“If you’re gonna turn it on,” said Jimmy Mac, “You should always turn it on all the way.”
“Thanks for the suggestion,” I said. “Where are you going to be when I need advice on how to get snow fence splinters out of my pants?”

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“You’re slow,” said Monte Floyd. “What happened to you? You used to be a winner?”
“The only difference between winning and losing is the number of gaudy pieces of gold-flaked plastic gathering dust in the garage,” I replied.

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“Did you jump the big double over by the starting line?” asked Fred Phalange after practice.
“No and the only thing that will make me jump it is if you jump it,” I replied.
“Don’t worry about it then,” said Fred.